Eve's Real Curse, or Why Yes! Every Girl Should Have a Gay Boy, Part II

We still giggle about that dinner, but there are times I regret we ever taught Julyn how to spot a gay. You see, she's in the theater department at a Church-sponsored school, and -- being lovely, witty, kind, sensitive, "pleasantly plump" (can I say that, Jules?), accepting and delightful young Mormon woman she is -- she's the perfect go-to for those cute Mormon theater boys who just don't want to admit they like other cute Mormon boys; those cute Mormon boys who ask lovely, witty kind, senstive, "pleasantly plump", accepting and delightful young Mormon women out on dates; those cute Mormon boys who lead those cute Mormon girls into quasi-relationships, and then call an abrupt halt without immediate explanation; those cute Mormon boys who often eventually come out as gay to those cute Mormon girls. I admit, I was one of those cute Mormon boys, and I hated myself for it.

Perhaps that's why I feel a guilty pricking in my hard heart when Jules tells Corey and Jess and I about the boys she meets during shows and in class and then asks, with both hope and doubt in the possibitly of R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P, "Do you think he's gay? He probably is. He's got most of the signs." I feel that dagger, too, when Jules reminds Corey and I that we promised we'd tell her if we ever thought any boyfriend of hers was attracted to other men. We've opened her eyes, I guess, but I don't know if that's been a good thing. She weighs her dating prospects with a much more searching scale. Perhaps we've made it difficult for any man to pass the "Is he? Isn't he?" test. The things we told her have taught her to feel like her options of marriage-able men are even more slim. I think that thought sometimes causes her great anxiety.

Traditional Christianity teaches that the curse of Eve is pain in childbirth. I sometimes joke that the Eve's real curse was Steve, the other man in the Garden. The one who joined Eve during the big shoe sales at Gabriel's, and who listened to Eve talk about her feelings over a molten lava cake, who kept his hair well-coiffed, whose biceps looked like stone, and whose high-pitched snicker could be heard all over creation. Steve, who who baffled and intrigued and frightened Adam. The joke usually gets a big laugh, but I don't think it's so funny anymore. In fact, it makes me angry. I don't tell it much anymore.

The whole reason there is any sort of "curse" is because, as gay boys in the LDS church, we've cursed ourselves, buying into the idea that we can, or that we should, or that we will someday be cured of homosexual "tendencies" by attempting romantic relationships with our naive young sisters. We are committing a crime in lying to ourselves and to the women we fool, boys, when we think we can date and marry our "guilty question" away. That sort of self-hating dishonesty is the real sin God condemns.

I am eternally grateful that I didn't fool Jules (or myself) any more than I did when we were in high school and in between our missions. I am so happy that our friendship remains, because I know I've burned bridges with other dear girl-friends. I almost believe that the fact that I never pursued any real sort of committed relationship with Jules is because she is the young woman I love best and would keep from harm most. I hope I'm no curse to her, because she has been an incredible blessing to me.

With love to you, Jules. *HEAD-HUG!!!*